Changes in Relationships After Having a Child and 4 Ways You Can Handle it in a Positive and Fulfilling Way

As couples grow together, they will often get to the big question of whether or not they will want to have children. Although there is enough information on this decision-making process for many other articles, for today’s purposes, we will simply provide information on one aspect.

The question of “will having a child change my relationship?” is a top concern. To answer this simply: YES. It will absolutely, without a doubt change your relationship. The big question of HOW it will change is on a case by case basis. Our job here is to help you understand, as objectively as possible, what changes to expect.

Here are some frequent changes that occur depending on the state of the relationship previous to starting to plan for a family:

1. Underlying issues and concerns you haven’t addressed in the relationship will NOT get better. If anything, they will likely get exacerbated by the stress of child-rearing!

If there are financial troubles, difficulty with honesty, past betrayals, highly reactive emotions, or invisible patterns of resentment, these will undoubtedly become exacerbated when children come into the picture.

To clarify, parenting stress is NEVER a child’s fault. Even if a child has a challenging temperament, complex medical issues, or special needs, it is important to remember that the responsibility for managing these stresses lies with the parents, not the child.

Parenting is stressful because of the sudden and dramatic increase of responsibility on a couple. When people are spread thin and chronically sleep deprived,  it is hard to emotionally regulate and it can be hard work to find the mental clarity to work through problems.

Whenever you hear parents in your life talk about how their relationship went downhill due to their kids, make sure to keep an objective mind about what you are hearing and not assume that this is everyone’s experience. When adults blame children for their feelings, they are speaking from a place of emotional stuckness and blame shifting, not from a place of maturity.

If you are concerned that you and your partner are not yet ready to have children, due to unaddressed issues, then that is a very mature and appropriate stance to take. This is a time to take an honest look at the issues that you are still upset by, but that you sweep under the rug or that you avoid.

If you are ready for family planning, but unsure of how to begin addressing these issues, consider going to couples’ therapy to be able to work through the stressors. Addressing these problems and finding solutions BEFORE kids is going to help you be an amazing parent, and will help both of you maintain positive connections while you navigate parenting.

2. If you have a troubled relationship with the people who raised you, it is possible that old feelings will re-emerge when you raise your own children.

Assuming that you and your partner are in a fantastic emotional place with each other, we also want to consider how past childhood trauma impacts the parenting experience. Sometimes couples have worked on their issues, and are ready to go with the parenting journey. If one or both of you experienced any form of abuse or mistreatment, it is common for the old feelings and fears to come up again when you experience the vulnerability of knowing your child can only be protected to a certain extent.

It is common for these past traumas to manifest in behaviors that can over-protect or under-protect children. When these parenting styles do not align with your partner’s, it can lead to tension and conflict about how to manage situations as the children grow and develop.

Please be aware that it is totally normal and expected for each parent to provide a slightly different style or perspective. In a healthy relationship, these differences can be talked through and resolved quickly while not undermining each other. In relationships that experience difficulty, the parenting differences can further drive disconnect and generate resentment.

If you find that this issue has come up for you as new parents, couples’ therapy with a parenting and/or trauma component can help to address these differences and provide a safe space to discuss the deeper currents that influence parenting behaviors.

3. If you have a loving relationship with open communication and low reactivity, then children can strengthen your bond while you navigate the highs and lows of parenting.

The experience of parenting is overstimulating for even the healthiest couples. However, once the initial stress of transition wears off, healthy couples would be able to find a new identity together.

Healthier couples can laugh in the middle of overwhelming moments. They can see the positives in the middle of a sea of negatives. They can appreciate each other’s differences rather than fight over them. They can keep a team effort when they are both worn out by their new responsibilities. They can also give each other grace and give space for breaks.

Criticisms are few and far between, and keeping the family’s priorities in mind are at the top of their list everyday. People who are in healthier relationships are not perfect. They simply are self-aware and are able to take perspective.

4. If you have the ability to adapt to changes, and you practice resilience as a couple, then the stressors of parenting can be navigated as a team.

The ability to adapt and bounce back from stressors involves a few key factors. Traits such as seeing the positives in life, being able to laugh at your shortcomings, taking action rather than staying idle,  and practicing gratitude are essential to healthier parenting.

Couples who trust each other’s intentions and give each other grace are more likely to stay together and do so happily, not out of a sense of obligation.

Life is already hard, and you want to have a partner who helps you navigate life, rather than adding more stress. Your children will learn from this and also build their own version of what a healthy relationship looks like.