Generational Trauma: What It Looks Like And 3 Tips to Overcome It

As a society, we are becoming more and more aware and informed of trauma and the different ways it can manifest itself. One of those most prominent and ingrained types of trauma is generational trauma. Generational trauma is trauma that has occurred to those before us, has shaped traditions, history, and beliefs, and continues to perpetuate due to unhealed trauma in those who raise us. Generational trauma can also be part of a community when there is war, violence, and famine.

For example, if your caregivers were raised in the middle of civil war and witnessed or experienced violence throughout their childhood, then their nervous systems may already be primed for reactivity to fear. If they then leave to a safer country or region, but did not address their trauma, then they may carry that fear over to their own children once they form a family. This fear could look like overprotectiveness, fear of strangers, mistrust in their neighbors, or inability to separate their own fears and experiences from those of their children. Their children may then grow up in a very anxious and fear-driven environment, even though they do not need to be hypervigilant.

Another example is that of domestic violence in generations before you. Domestic violence can become normalized and be viewed as “part of being in a relationship” rather than something to break out of. You may grow up thinking it is expected to be disrespected by your partner, and may therefore feel pressured to stay in a marriage even though your instinct tells you there is something wrong. You may experience internal conflict regarding your life and whether to live it for yourself or for others and their expectations.

For every trauma, there could be an array of reactions that manifest in a family. Although we cannot predict with certainty how a family system will perpetuate trauma, there are enough patterns to be able to spot when there is generational trauma and how to begin changing it.

Here are some steps to take to analyze if your family is perpetuating patterns of traumatic stress, and how to begin making moves towards healthier choices:

1. Consider your family’s history. Think of the objective meaning of this history.

Sometimes our family’s stories become so ingrained and commonplace that we forget they are considered traumatic. Try your best to think about the experiences your caregivers and community have raised you with. Think about their stories. How do they react when they tell these stories? Do they become tearful or angry? Do they seem to have a far-off look, almost as if they are no longer present? The way they tell their stories will indicate how emotionally charged they are. The more emotionally charged, the more influence these stories may have on your life, even if you are no longer in danger of experiencing what they did. Sometimes this emotional charge can give you motivation, but sometimes they can also hold you back from living your own life in your own way.

2. Consider how your family may feel if you choose a different path for yourself. Be ready to place boundaries while continuing to love them.

If you happened to see the movie Coco, by Disney, you may recall that due to a significant traumatic event in a previous generation, the protagonist’s family shuns anything that has to do with music or musicians. They commit themselves to working as shoemakers. The protagonist has the gift of music and has to do the impossible in order to be able to demonstrate to the family that playing music again will not bring trauma to the family. Since it is a Disney movie, of course everyone lived happily ever after at the end. But what do you do when you receive significant pushback from your family when you choose a different life path from what they approve? It is hard to uphold boundaries when their control over you is really driven by fear.

It is expected to receive harsh opinions. What you can do is work on being the best version of yourself. Work hard, save money, be emotionally regulated, create a safe, supportive community for yourself. When your family members see that you are doing well for yourself, they will still have their opinions, but they will no longer have any valid basis. When you have worked through your own traumas and truly feel at peace with your life choices, the opinions of those family members will not create as much distress. Giving them the gift of seeing you doing well will hopefully help to dilute their fear. Sometimes some family members are so overpowered by their traumas and fears, that they may never approve of what you do. This is where you make the choice to continue loving with boundaries, or make the choice to pull away.

3. As hard as these experiences were for your family, look for the positives along the way.

Their reactions were once highly appropriate to their situation. You are here now because of their resilience. The caregiver who is now overprotective, probably needed to be hypervigilant at some point in time in order to survive. The caregiver who decided to passively accept abuse, probably needed to lower their head and be agreeable in order to be safe. Maladaptive behaviors were once helpful for survival, but become unhealthy when they are used out of context.

When you are frustrated with family members for how they do things, consider how they once needed to do things in order to remain safe. They still have many life experiences that you can learn from, however you can pick and choose what works best for you now. You have also been shaped into who you are thanks to a long history of experiences and strong people who moved forward, despite the dangers of the world.

If you find yourself continuing to feel frustrated or isolated in your journey to break free from the cycle of generational trauma, continuing to work on yourself can be very helpful. Creating a new, supportive community of healthier individuals can help reduce loneliness. Teaching your own children different perspectives can leave a legacy of change. Advocating for yourself and for those who do not yet have support can also be very fulfilling. Lastly, going to therapy can also help you achieve peace of mind after making the difficult decision to go against your family’s traditions and patterns. Remember that surviving trauma is difficult, and changing the cycle of trauma is also difficult. One person is all it takes to start changing the future of your family.