How To Navigate Dating As A Single Parent

The dating world can be tough, and when you add relevant factors like plans for starting a family, and plans for the future, this can add more pressure. Dating really gets turned on its head then, when someone has already had children. Navigating risks and wants and needs in dating is extra important when there are dependent children who will in some way feel the effects of their parents’ dating habits.

Although everyone is different, there are still some key factors to consider in order to determine emotional and physical safety for everyone in the family. Now more than ever, maintaining standards and boundaries is essential.

You do not have to sacrifice your wants and needs as a parent, but ideally you will want to find a partner who naturally fits well with your family dynamic, and who will also respect the very deep and meaningful relationship you have with your children.

Here are some key points  to consider:

1. Get to know this person in all seasons of life

It is very common for people to put on their best behavior when they are trying to impress you. We can only keep this up for so long, though. Eventually, you will get to know the person you are dating at a much more intimate level. This includes how they are when they get upset, or when they have a rough day. It is normal for everyone to feel frustration, but how we process that frustration can make a difference in a household. Before you commit wholeheartedly and allow a person to influence your family dynamic, think about what you observe in them. How do they treat the waiters at the restaurants you visit? How are they with kids (not just your kids)? How empathetic are they about other parents in their life? How is their dynamic with their family? If it is rocky, then what contributed to that strained relationship? How do they talk about other people?

You will find that most people give away who they are pretty quickly. When there are inconsistencies between what they say and what they do, it is worth paying further attention to those inconsistencies.  If you are unsure if you can trust your judgment on their character, then take it slow as you continue to observe who they are.

2. Get your priorities straight

Most people who date single parents should have some expectation that children will take up the vast majority of free time. If they are single parents themselves, then they should already know this from lived experience. If they do not have their own children, then it will be important to convey to them what your schedule and free time really  looks like. They need to know the difficulties in acquiring a babysitter, the reason why  plans get canceled when a child gets sick, and the fact that sometimes even when the stars align for you, you are so tired that you might just not want to go out. If they can learn to appreciate the amount of mental and physical  toll that parenting takes, then they can have empathy for you and your children.

If the person you are dating realizes they need much more from you than what you can provide, this does not necessarily mean you have to bend over backwards. This means you may need to re-evaluate if you are a good fit for each other. As the adult with more responsibilities in this relationship, you may need to take initiative in having these conversations before resentment builds up and time is wasted on both ends. If you are dating someone who is very independent and enjoys working with your pace, then you may have met someone who you can be with for the long run.

3. Identify and clearly define their role in your household. Revisit this conversation often.

Kids get attached and adults do too. The more we get to know someone we are committed to, the more deep attachment there is. For this reason, it is important to not assume things, but rather have clear conversations about what you both envision their role is. Do they want to be a stepparent, or would they rather be a fun mentor in your kids’ life? Ask them what they imagined parenting or stepparenting to be like.

Every household is different, and every relationship is different, so there is no right or wrong way to do things in regards to their role. What is important is that you are both on the same page, and you both can have open, ongoing conversations about expectations and boundaries. You will want to revisit this conversation often because as you well know, kids develop and change very quickly. The moment you get one thing figured out, a new developmental challenge pops up. This will require both you and your partner to have the flexibility and regulation skills to talk about the changes as they go.

4. Go with your gut

Seriously. Don’t overthink it. Notice how your mind and body feels in their presence. Do you feel safe? Do your kids feel safe? Sometimes we cannot pinpoint an exact issue, but we do know when we do not feel that we can trust someone. This does not mean they are a bad person, but it could mean many different things. They could be people-pleasing but secretly angry and resentful, they could be trying their best to get along with your kids, but something is just not clicking. When you have children, the stakes are high, and it is better to address these issues head on.

5.Don’t try to fit a square peg into a round hole

If this person fits your checklist of your dream partner, but there are too many changes to be made in regards to your household, take a step back and re-evaluate. Ask yourself if you are trying to make significant changes in them or in yourself in order to try to make a relationship work. If the person you are seeing says they don’t enjoy kids, believe them! Don’t try to convince them. If they say they need to feel connected to you 24/7, and you are already spread thin, ask yourself if you can really meet their needs. If they say they like kids, but they hate messes and loud noises, think about what this will look like in the future. Some relationships can absolutely be worked on if both parties are receptive and willing to make compromises. But if no one is budging on their stance, take that at face value and accept that this might not be the right relationship at this stage of life.

Everyone you meet will teach your something about yourself. If you can keep this in mind while dating, then you can continue to learn and grow and ultimately find the right person for you and your children. Your children are your children for life. A partner can hopefully join in on that life trajectory as well. But if they are a partner for only one season of your life, then that is okay. Learn, grow, and move forward!