Maintaining Harmony in a Multigenerational Household

Many cultures around the world have practiced having multiple generations living in a household environment. It is a common sight in collectivistic societies, and although the set up comes with its own unique stressors, there are also many benefits to this arrangement.

In the United States, it is becoming increasingly common to see multigenerational households after several societal events such as the recession of 2008, and the coronavirus pandemic in 2020. These events have changed the landscape of living arrangements. However, the changes also bring about more questions and uncertainties about boundaries and expectations. Most people can find an easy way to cohabitate and respect each other’s differences, but at times there are more difficult nuances at play.

If you find yourself needing to merge into a multigenerational household, here are a few key points to keep in mind in order to reduce tension and foster communication.

1. Remember that we often translate what we hear from others from a personal “filter”.

You can say the same phrase, in the same neutral tone, to everyone in a household and it is likely that every family member will have a different interpretation of what was said. Some household members will experience slightly different variations and interpretations. Others may perceive a massive difference in what is communicated. Those family members who hear neutral statements as more aggressive or offensive than everyone else does, often misinterpret others’ statements as well. This is valuable information if you are wondering how to keep the peace in a household. If you are aware that certain people will need extra words to cushion or soften a message, then adding a few extra seconds to your communication can make a big difference.

2. Create a visual system everyone can refer to for logistical tasks.

It is easy to forget which family member you may have spoken to about a pending task or chore. This can lead to miscommunications and resentments. Discussing things verbally, and then following up with a note on a calendar or a text message can set reminders for yourself and others. It is normal to forget things occasionally, but having added follow ups can foster more of a sense of accountability and collaboration.

3. Know everyone’s strengths and weaknesses and capitalize on the strengths.

Everyone has a unique set of strengths and weaknesses. Depending on what the household needs in order to run, it is best to enhance each other’s strengths rather than focusing on or criticizing each other’s weaknesses. People often believe that criticizing and nitpicking will encourage others to change but it often only leaves room for hurt feelings. Let go of any tendencies to dwell on negatives, and learn to focus on positives.

4. Identify any past conflicts and learn from them.

Oftentimes in family dynamics, there may already be a history of past issues and this can create a template that continues to perpetuate in the household. If you can navigate past the conflict and clarify whatever past miscommunications may still linger in your family dynamic, then you can create a new opportunity out of the conflict. When conflicts continue to play out, you may feel stuck in them rather than finding valuable information to use.

5. Know when it is time to seek help from an outside source.

Whether you prefer going to a spiritual advisor or to a therapist, knowing when you need an extra influence to help is crucial to maintaining harmony. Sometimes when family members are stuck, it is due to the same family dynamic playing on repeat. Having someone else examine gently from afar, and propose changes to the existing patterns can really help bring clarity to a situation.

Every family system is unique and the rich tapestry of family history creates intricate stories to recreate today. We are lucky when we have been able to make changes out of the opportunities that arise out of conflict. It is much harder and more painful when conflicts continue to create painful moments in the present.

Finding logistical solutions, while engaging in healthier communication patterns can give new life to a family dynamic.