How to Stop Enabling People-Pleasing Behavior in Your Partner

If you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly says “yes” when they really mean “no,” you’ve probably seen how draining people-pleasing can be. Maybe your partner overcommits, avoids conflict, or takes on everyone’s needs but their own. And even though you might want to help, you may accidentally be enabling the very behavior that keeps them stuck.

So how do you love and support your partner without feeding their need to please? Let’s break it down.

1. Understand Where People-Pleasing Comes From

People-pleasing isn’t just about being nice — it’s often a survival skill learned early on. Many people who struggle with it grew up believing that love or acceptance had to be earned by keeping others happy.

Underneath, there’s usually:

• A fear of rejection or abandonment
• Anxiety about disappointing others
• A belief that being “good” keeps them safe

When you see the behavior as fear-based, it’s easier to respond with compassion without rescuing or reinforcing it.

2. Stop Rewarding the People-Pleasing

It’s easy to unintentionally validate people-pleasing. You might thank your partner for always helping, accept their “yes” when you know they’re uncomfortable, or tell them how generous they are — but that can strengthen the cycle.

Instead, praise authenticity and honesty:

“I appreciate you telling me what you really need.” “It means a lot that you’re being honest instead of saying yes when you don’t want to.”

You can also gently decline their over-giving:

“You don’t have to do that for me — I want you to take care of yourself.”

You’re teaching them that they don’t have to earn your love through sacrifice.

3. Model Healthy Boundaries

Your partner will learn a lot by watching how you set boundaries. If you say “no” calmly and respectfully, you normalize that boundaries aren’t selfish — they’re an act of self-respect.

Try saying things like:

“I can’t do that today, but maybe later this week.” “I know you want to help, but I’ve got this.”

Healthy boundaries build trust and create emotional safety. When you respect your own limits, it shows your partner that they can, too.

4. Encourage Emotional Honesty

Instead of rushing to comfort or fix your partner’s discomfort, invite them to pause and reflect. Ask questions that guide them back to their own truth:

• “What do you want right now?”

• “Are you saying yes because you want to, or because you feel like you have to?”

• “What would feel most respectful to you in this situation?”

These questions help them reconnect with their internal compass rather than reacting from anxiety or obligation.

5. Don’t Take Responsibility for Their Discomfort

When your partner starts setting boundaries, guilt and anxiety will probably show up — and that’s okay. Growth is uncomfortable.

You can support them without rescuing:

“I know it feels uncomfortable to say no, but it’s okay to sit with that feeling.”

Letting them experience that discomfort teaches emotional resilience. If you jump in to “fix” it, they never get to learn that the world doesn’t fall apart when they prioritize themselves.

6. Support Their Growth (Without Controlling It)

If people-pleasing runs deep, therapy or coaching can help them untangle the roots of it. Some helpful approaches include:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for managing guilt and anxiety
• Attachment-based therapy to explore early relationship patterns
• Books like “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab

You can also suggest learning together — listening to podcasts, reading about boundaries, or simply checking in weekly about how you’re both honoring your needs.

Final Thoughts

Loving someone who people-pleases means walking a delicate line between compassion and accountability. You can’t “fix” their behavior, but you can stop feeding it — and in doing so, create a relationship that’s more honest, balanced, and free.

When both partners feel safe to show up as their true selves, connection becomes more authentic — not something to earn, but something you build together.

Recommended Books for People-Pleasers

1. The Disease to Please by Dr. Harriet B. Braiker Elevate Counseling + Wellness

2. When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness, and Personal Freedom by Dr. Ilene S. Cohen Elevate Counseling + Wellness

3. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Elevate Counseling + Wellness

4. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend Elevate Counseling + Wellness

5. Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty and Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself by Dr. Aziz Gazipura Elevate Counseling + Wellness