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  • Accused of Being too Opinionated? 3 Tips of Insight

    I once heard a short joke that made me chuckle and also put things into perspective. It goes like this, “The difference between pizza and your opinion is I only asked for pizza.” Now, we all have our opinions and life experiences, that is only natural.

    However, we sometimes lose track of a deeper perspective when we approach situations from the limitations of our lived experience. How often do we hear some variation of, “Well, I wouldn’t do that…” or “Here is what I would do…” We all have a rich variety of life experiences where we have learned hard lessons and it is normal to want to share that with others. The problem is that oftentimes what works for you, may not necessarily work for someone else. Or your opinions may be valid and helpful, however the person you are talking to is not yet at a stage of life where they can apply the advice, due to factors that may be invisible to others.

    When we aggressively push opinions, we push others away, while also creating an environment of negativity around ourselves. Of course, there is a time and a place for pushing an opinion, like when a person is being deliberately mistreated. However, most of the time, most of people’s minor life decisions do not require an outside opinion unless it is asked for. Even if you provide a helpful opinion, you also should not get offended if someone decides not to do as you stated. Everyone has a complex inner world and a unique set of external factors that influence their decision making.

    Here are some ways to determine if the comment you are itching to make is necessary and helpful, or unnecessary and detrimental to your relationship with someone:

    1. Is the comment relatable?

    Do you have a similar situation to share with similar stressors, similar limitations, and similar dynamics? Then perhaps you can share your opinion with love and consideration, rather than criticism. You can leave your summary open-ended by reminding your loved one that this is only your experience, and you can understand if they have a different perspective. This can open a beautiful dialogue where ideas and insights can be shared, without necessarily creating a rift or miscommunication.

    Here is an example of a situation that is not relatable and which would require you to think twice before making a comment.

    Example: You are a fun uncle/aunt with no kids of your own. You babysit every once in a while and have a blast with the nieces and nephews. You get to go home and get full rest, enjoy your own time, and not worry about too many other responsibilities besides your own. You notice that your sibling (the parent of the children) is looking a bit tired or worn out.

    You feel the desire to say, “If I were you, I wouldn’t let myself go. I would keep up with the gym and make sure I look rested. Your spouse would like that!” In case you haven’t felt the judgment yet, this is definitely NOT something that would be wise or relatable to bring up. It is not an inaccurate statement but it is insensitive, inconsiderate, and has a sense of superiority with an empty basis since you would not have certain life experiences yet.

    Perhaps when you are in a similar and relatable life situation and you know what parenting 24/7 feels like, you can bring the topic up again as part of an ongoing dialogue about self-care as a parent.

    1. Is the comment respectful?

    Sometimes the comment is relatable, but it still needs to be brought up with respect. If we work off of the last example, we can see how another parent with similar life experience could have a relevant dialogue regarding what they are observing. In that case, it is wise to bring up the opinion or comment with tact and consideration for the other person’s experience. Here are some examples of comments that are respectful of boundaries, versus one that is disrespectful.

    Disrespectful example: Hey I know what it’s like to be a parent, and look at me, I am keeping up with things. I know I have a nanny and you don’t, but it’s not like I don’t have it rough either. Come on, you’ve got to keep up!

    Respectful example: I noticed you are looking more tired than usual, is everything okay? I’ve been through some rough moments myself as a parent and just wanted to see if there is anything you need from me, or if you would like for me to provide some insight.

    If the person does not want to talk about it, drop the subject and remind them they can always reach out.

    1. Is the comment relevant?

    Have you been told that you tend to do what therapists call, “kitchen sinking”? This means that you give an opinion or a criticism and this unloads a barrage of past events that are no longer relevant to the central idea. The person who was perhaps receptive to your opinion is now overwhelmed with resentment or tension based on receiving criticisms that are irrelevant to the conversation.

    If you know that your opinion is respectful and relatable, but perhaps is not relevant, then it may be best to keep the comment short and concise and constructive. Talk less and listen more. You may be surprised about how much you learn about people when you listen to their perspective!