Navigating Life Transitions As A Couple

When you take a look at the people in your life, you may notice that there are some individuals who tend to cope well with change. They may move out of their hometown, and make it look fun and effortless. They may take their parenting challenges in stride and understand that their kids’ behaviors are part of normal development. They may switch jobs without stressing too much about what people will say, or how their coworkers will react.

People who cope well with transitions typically have a sense of security in their ability to bounce back from stressful situations. This does not mean their lives are easier, and it does not mean the transition was easy. It means they can regulate themselves and others, and keep an eye on the bigger picture. It means they do not have the tendency to stay stuck in their anxious thoughts, and they may be able to feel gratitude at the end of the day for the obstacles they were able to overcome.

If you fall into the category of people who have more difficulty with change, then you may wonder what you can do to create more peaceful transitions. For those of you who have partners, or your own families as well, it is even more important to be able to regulate so that those around you can also feel capable of adapting to transitions. Here are some common examples that may come up for couples, as well as key recommendations on how to navigate these transitions:

1. Moving in together

This is often one of the first big transitions modern couples face together. Moving in together is an exciting new chapter for the relationship, and it can also create challenges. As many of you know, there is a difference between seeing each other throughout the week and actually living together.

Living together means you will inevitably overstep invisible or unknown boundaries. Even if you are very assertive and well-versed in stating your boundaries and expectations, this issue will still come up. This happens because many times, we are not aware we are bothered by something until it occurs. And of course, there is no way for our partner to be fully aware they have bothered you until it is communicated.

One person may like to keep the kitchen set up a certain way, while the other may see no importance in keeping a certain order. One may appreciate time to relax after work before cooking and cleaning, while the other may feel anxious if chores are not done right away. Neither partner is right or wrong, since we all have a different way of living functionally. However, when couples have a “my way or the highway” mentality, this can create conflict and resentment.

Continually checking in with each other to make sure you both feel seen and heard can help in making your space feel safe and can help in creating the refuge you desire.

Tips:

• Moving in together is an opportunity to start creating your own household culture, traditions, and standards. Framing it in this way can keep a positive perspective.
• Collaborate on finding a middle ground together. Pick your battles, and decide which issues are non-negotiables for you.
• If you and your partner can find a wide range of compromises, and stick to a few firm preferences, then this can create more collaboration rather than competition.
• Be introspective and learn to admit when you have also made a mistake. This can go a long way in fostering a sense of trust in communication.

2. Starting a family

Choosing to be a parent is considered the third individuation stage in human development (after toddlerhood and adolescence). At this stage of life you choose whether to continue being an “adult child”, or transition into being an “adult parent”.

Taking on the role of adult parent means that your life as you know it will be turned upside down. Your value system, priorities, and perspectives on life will take on a radically different meaning. Others will continue seeing you physically as the person you always were, but beneath the surface, you will have developed new fears and new levels of self-sacrifice beyond what you imagined. As much as you can rationally understand this, it is nearly impossible to fully empathize with it if you are not yet a parent. This then makes it tough to prepare for the many unknown ways in which parenting will change your personal relationship dynamic.

Some parents can transition beautifully. They may encounter some obstacles along the way, but they may also stay emotionally grounded as they figure out how to adapt to their new dynamic. Some parents can feel very impacted by how draining parenting is, emotionally and physically. You give all of yourself at all hours of day and night. It takes time to learn to take care of yourself again. And it is also tricky to find a balance in taking care of your partner’s needs.

New parents often find themselves more fatigued than ever. When you are in this fatigued state, it is common to be more irritable, and to blame or take out your frustrations on the person who is always there- your partner.

Tips:

• In order to avoid these conflicts or at least repair them in a timely manner, it is important to reframe the issues that are creating stress. Try to be objective with your feelings.
• It is essential to get past personal obstacles in asking for help from family, friends, and professionals.
• Being direct, but gentle when it comes to household and personal needs can also help so that there is a sense of collaboration rather than blaming and shaming.
• Focusing on the funny and beautiful moments with your children can also continue to build and repair the bond with your partner.
• Treat your partner with the same respect and consideration that you would a team member at work. Just because they are the person closest to you does not mean they deserve to receive the brunt of your frustrations.
• Giving yourself grace, AND giving your partner grace allows you both to feel that you are navigating the choppy waters of parenting together, rather than rowing in opposite directions.
• If you are able to, take a few minutes each day to show your partner gratitude for what they do for the family, and of course you can expect to receive the same gratitude back.

3. Coping with grief and loss

Feelings of grief and loss can come up in so many different ways throughout our lives. The first issue you may naturally think of in this category is the death of a loved one. However, there is a sense of grief and loss in many situations. Losing employment and/or housing, receiving a difficult diagnosis, suffering from pregnancy loss and infertility, and even losing a sense of identity can all fall in this category.

When we get hit by the waves of grief and loss, we may feel a complex mix of symptoms such as shock, numbness, anger, sadness, as well as disbelief and guilt. It is a highly personal experience that can also be shared with others. However, depending on how you are coping with the complexity and natural ebb and flow of these feelings, you may find yourself isolated from your partner. In an effort to make sense of your feelings, you may also inadvertently distance yourself from those around you.

Partners who are highly attuned may check in with you and help you with what you need at any given moment. However, even the most emotionally intelligent partners will have their own set of thoughts and issues that may take up emotional space in their minds. They will not always be able to hold space for you, especially if you are not finding the physical and emotional energy to tell them that you need their support. For this reason, it is also important to give your partner information they can use to help you.

When couples have many responsibilities to juggle, or when one of the partners does not know how to be supportive, it can lead to further disconnect and resentment in a relationship. The key here is that everyone grieves differently, so it is important not to make assumptions but rather to practice active listening and keep an open mind about what will help in the healing process. If you are both grieving together, then it is also relevant to respect how each person is grieving. If their grief shows up differently than yours does, it does not mean they don’t care.

Tips:

• Be present, listen, and don’t rush to give advice or make judgments about how they should be grieving.
• Don’t judge whether or not what they are experiencing is appropriate. Again, we can grieve many different things and it is not up to you to determine if something is worth grieving over or not.
• The frequency and intensity of grief transforms over time, but the experience of grief and loss becomes part of a person’s life story. For these reasons, do not rush their process. There is no timeline.
• Respect your partner’s beliefs and their family’s rituals and beliefs. Rituals give meaning to the process of grief and loss.

Share your own feelings if appropriate. Encourage them to seek extra help if needed. Again, this is not to rush the