When One Partner Pulls Away and the Other Leans In: Understanding the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic

Have you ever noticed that when you feel disconnected from your partner, one of you wants to talk it out right away while the other just needs space? It’s one of the most common relationship patterns I see in therapy — what relationship experts at The Gottman Institute call the pursuer–distancer dynamic.

This dynamic isn’t about who’s “right” or “wrong.” It’s about how two people respond to emotional disconnection and stress — often shaped by early attachment experiences and family patterns.

The Dance of Closeness and Distance

In most relationships, one partner tends to pursue closeness when they sense tension — they might want to talk things through, seek reassurance, or ask questions to feel connected again. The other tends to distance, withdrawing to protect themselves from overwhelm, criticism, or conflict.

While the pursuer fears abandonment, the distancer fears engulfment. Both are trying to feel safe — they just have different ways of getting there.

Therapist Tip: Instead of labeling your partner’s behavior as avoidance or neediness, try viewing it through the lens of nervous system regulation. One partner’s “pulling away” may actually be their way of calming down, while the other’s “leaning in” may be an attempt to restore emotional safety.

Where This Pattern Comes From

This push–pull cycle often reflects early attachment styles. If you grew up feeling like love was unpredictable, you may have learned to pursue connection quickly to avoid losing it. If you grew up in a household where conflict felt unsafe or emotions were overwhelming, you may have learned to retreat to preserve peace.

Over time, these instinctive reactions can create a loop: The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws — and the more the other withdraws, the harder the first one pursues.

Therapist Tip: When you notice this pattern in action, pause. Ask yourself, “What am I really needing right now — connection, calm, or understanding?” That awareness can interrupt the automatic cycle and help you respond instead of react.

Breaking the Cycle Together

Healing the pursuer–distancer dynamic isn’t about changing your personality — it’s about learning to stay emotionally present and regulate together.

• For the pursuer: Practice slowing down and allowing moments of space without assuming disconnection. Take a few deep breaths, journal, or ground yourself before re-engaging.
• For the distancer: Try leaning in a bit sooner than feels comfortable. Even a brief check-in or “I just need a few minutes” can go a long way toward reassuring your partner.

Therapist Tip: Both partners can benefit from developing self-soothing skills and clear communication. A simple phrase like, “I need some time to settle my thoughts, but I want to talk about this later,” can help maintain connection even during conflict.

Seeing Triggers as Invitations for Healing

These patterns aren’t just about communication — they’re about healing. Often, the triggers your partner brings out in you reflect unhealed parts of yourself. When approached with curiosity and compassion, these moments can become opportunities to rewire how you relate to love, safety, and closeness.

Therapist Tip: Notice what gets activated in you during these moments. Does your partner’s silence remind you of being ignored growing up? Does their intensity remind you of past criticism? Bringing awareness to these connections allows for deeper healing — and helps you break generational cycles of disconnection.

Final Thoughts

Every relationship has moments of pursuing and distancing. What matters most is whether both partners can learn to understand and regulate these patterns together. With awareness and intention, what once felt like a tug-of-war can become a balanced dance of closeness and space.

If this dynamic sounds familiar, consider exploring your attachment patterns or trying a relationship check-in with a couples therapist trained in Gottman or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Change begins with understanding — and compassion for both yourself and your partner.

Helpful Resources

• Take an Attachment Style Quiz: Attachment Style Test by The Attachment Project
• The Four Relationship Styles: How Attachment Theory Can Help You in Your Search for Lasting Love! Quiz by Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley
• Learn More About Gottman’s Research on Relationship Dynamics: The Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic — The Gottman Institute